I couldn’t help myself but thinking what if all those things were for nothing. What if I have to dream what I want for all my life and never achieve to reach that life. What if this is my life from now on. I feel like I’m stuck in my life right now. Nothing is happening in a slow way. I wasn’t sure what is that feeling pushes me down. This is what I came up with.
Since I was a kid I have been trying to find myself. What I want from life, what I want to become. Am I an angry person, am I just cute, or am I a businesswoman. Do I want to be singer, neee I don’t have a talent for that lol. But you know what I mean.
The other day we had a gathering with our friends at Pickering. We light a bonfire. One of our friends play baglama. We share our thoughts, fears in life that we have right now. All of us are immigrants so we have lots of fears lol. After a while everyone just became silent, we were listening to the sound of the lake. At that point I just want to rip off my head and put it somewhere far away from me. Since that day I really cannot think of anything else but what ifs. What if all my life goes like this, working for 12 hours a day, daydreaming on the way to my workplace for one and half hours, then daydreaming on the way to my house for one and half hours. I am f*cking 27, I know that if I could be rich, I would be; if I could be famous, I would be. I feel like it’s too late to become something. I am not depressed don’t get me wrong. It is just all that what ifs are killing me. You see your friends are getting married, starting a small business they built something already. But I am still trying to figure it out, still trying to build my life actually.
With all that thought, we went to a music garden with my bf. He knows that I was abstract. And he knows that I love the aura of that garden and just wanted to help me somehow. This was the first thing that I didn’t want to share any of those answerless questions with him for one year. It’s just hard to share those thoughts because they are actually scary to think about.
Once we arrive there(it’s a bit far from our house) and sit on the stairs I feel like that is life, it’s fascinating. That tree in front of the stairs, the shadow of it, people who gather around it, this is what makes my life meaningful. One girl is sunbathing, the other boy is playing with his dog, and the dog wants to make a new friend and forget his loyal human friend for a couple of minutes. Listening to local musicians, seizing the moment. Stop everything just for a day in my life story. Be purified from scary thoughts. Then I say fuck everything Nuket. Just say to ‘show how good it can be’ to the universe and move on.
I have a limited time in a day to think about how I grew up, how my day is, do I want to buy a flower for myself in those daily conversations. My daily routine is after I arrive home I need to eat real quick, a bit houseworks, then personal cleaning, finally its time to smoke and chillax. I have this idiotic idea that when I smoke I need to do that daily conversations during that time. I need to create, imagine, think of any possible things to find myself. My boyfriend just wants to chillax so we create our happy place with a minimum budget. I just wanted to share with you.
I hope I will find those answers not so soon but maybe one day.