Maybe not everything has a meaning

These days, I am questioning myself a lot. There had been lots of things going on  in these 3 days. First of all, I quit my job. Here is why. 

So on Monday, I went to the office at my usual time. I started to work. After 1 hour, I realized a migraine attack was coming. I went to my boss’ office, told her, “I am putting my exact words so there will be no confusion,  

Me: “ I feel pressure on my head, and don’t feel well, can I go home?”

Boss: “Ohh, what happened Nuket, of course you can home, there is no immediate work today, I hope you are not pregnant ahahaha”

Me: “ahahaha I hope I am not (with a smile), I am not ready for this, ahahaha”

Boss: “See you then, please write when you arrive home.”

Me: “Thank you, of course.”

And I leave the office.

As I expected, I had a terrible migraine attack, I vomited a lot. But I knew I would be on my period in 2 to 3 days, this attack was pointing to that. This was a usual thing for me. At night I was exhausted because of all that pain and vomiting. I sent a message, asking if I could take one more day. She said sure, if you had any covid symptoms please let me know. And that was it. 

The second day, one of my coworkers called me. Again, I am putting the exact words,

Coworker: “Mary told everyone that you are pregnant! Are you?!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Coworker: “Yeah, she told me that you are pregnant, also to ….. while we were on a consultation. I was shocked but I wanted to ask you.”

Me: “Omg, no, I am not pregnant. I sent a message to Mary that I need to rest because of the migraine attack that I had.”

Coworker: “Oh shit, she also told me that she doesn’t want to be your sponsor anymore because you are pregnant.”

Me: “What!”

And so on. This is another level. This is way more hurtful than workplace abuse. This is another level. She is literally spreading a rumor about me just because she doesn’t want to be my sponsor anymore. Let me clear the air, I didn’t put a gun in her head to be my sponsor. She was abusing me and everyone in that office in every possible way. But this, this rumor was on another level. I don’t even know what to say. On that day I decided to quit. I know I mentioned lots of breakdowns before, let me tell you something, now I know what is breaking down. Before I went to sleep, my common law was trying to comfort me. We were sitting at our terrace. At that moment, I just collapsed. Started to cry hysterically. I wanted to stop but I couldn’t. I don’t know how many minutes but I cried myself to sleep that day. I guess it was the worst day of my Canada life.

On Wednesday, I went to the office, told her that she cannot talk in that way about my personal life. She cannot spread a rumor like that. She told me that this was just a joke. Yeah. I bet it was. 

This is the whole thing. I am trying to relax and forget about the previous 6 months. It was quite horrible. Thank God my boyfriend is comforting me. 

But there is one question, and I am constantly thinking about it. Why, am I a bad person, did I hurt anyone? I was just trying to prove myself, giving my best, trying everything I can to stay at that job. I was working fast, I was almost perfect for every file. These are not my words, believe me. My boss was telling me that now I am perfect and fast at preparing files. and I was just trying to prove myself that I was worth being sponsored. I need to know why. 

Of course, I talked with my mom about all those things. And she told me that, sometimes there would be no reason. Sometimes you just need to realize that you bumped into a lunatic person and move on. Maybe that was really it. Maybe I just need to absorb it and move on. Maybe not everything has a meaning. 

For now, I don’t feel like I can take this country anymore. I hope soon everything will be okay but I am not sure if I can stay here any longer.

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